THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
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Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.