[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
You Might Also Like
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I love you to the refrigerator and back
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.