ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
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I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
“I’m helping” 😅
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Mad Max Arctic Road
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.