Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
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My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
is frankincense just very honest incense?
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.