My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
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Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
LOOOOOOL
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Sharon I have some bad news
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?