Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Bed should get ready for ME
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.