Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
You Might Also Like
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
…żyje?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Spa day..😅
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top