[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
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[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
first you must answer his riddles
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Dune (2021)
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?