My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
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Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.