1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
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A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Smile Twitter, Smile.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!