I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
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Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap