Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
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Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.