I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
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“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
u spoke cat all this time??????
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*