Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
You Might Also Like
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
scares
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section