Copy Editor is a rewording career.
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“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?