Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
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Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.