good let them take over I have had enough
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“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV