Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
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Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
How funny!
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?