By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
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[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
me, too, girl. me, too.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that