My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
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I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.