That’s what I call a flat tire
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Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”