if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
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Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?