Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
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I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
*bites zombie*
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.