If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
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Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.