them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
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Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that