[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
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*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”