Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
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Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.