me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
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Yup….perfect score!
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.