me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
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No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
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Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Most fashion shows these days…
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.