“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
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never ask a starfish for directions
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.