#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
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If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.