Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
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Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
My Sentiments Exactly
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.