ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
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I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
fired
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?