[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
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Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Beware…..
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…