Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
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[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
R.I.P.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
(2022)
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.