ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
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The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE