Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
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When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one