someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
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I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
is nasa ok
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct