Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
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When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.