Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
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this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.