They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
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*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Worst perfume name ever.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot