My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
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You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL