Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
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Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I like crazy people until they notice me
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more