I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
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Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse