CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
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lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
groan^2
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did