Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
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Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode