I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
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You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”