“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
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You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27