“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
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Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
black phone good
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.