If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
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Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.